Will that be it... Or are you changing the name again?
Fans of crazy, wild, metallic, old stylish, guitary rock outfit, Far Cry, have begged lead guitarist and self appointed spokesman for the band, Andy White 38, not to change the outfit’s name again, as their constant title altering is costing them a fortune in t shirts and other fan based memorabilia.
Alan ‘Big Al the roadie’ Harris who has seen every gig since they were formed, complained that he now had over twenty-six different named t-shirts and the personnel has only changed on four occasions
“I wish they would stick to a bloody name” said tattooed Al “it’s alright getting sick of a name in search of that elusive record deal but hey? I mean come on man! they should think of the fans, its almost a tenner a throw to get a t shirt printed nowadays and some of the diehard fans are getting a little edgy. They would never say anything against the band as they love them so much but please I mean come on lads! You know! give your real fanatics a bit of a break and another thing they should…” yeah thanks Al
Band leader Andy ‘Boffin’ White, 39, real name Sebastian Lawrence Finkleworth has now changed the band’s name on twenty five different occasions. Asked about this problem Grumpy Andy replied helpfully
“It’s my fuckin’ band I do what I like and if you don’t like it go and watch Journey fuckin South..”
However Rock critic and authoritarian on such aspects Stanley Norbert Clark 49, begs to differ.
“Although I think they could do with a better sound system and a new lead guitarist I do like the drummer, and Big Al has got a point!”
Doing his extensive research on behalf of Everybody Out and a months supply of Lemon lucozade this is what Stan found
When he first started the band in the common room of his private Mill Hill school during the rise of punk rock their first name was Big Bad Boff and the Bofferfuckers Four, This name lasted for three weeks until they were summoned to the headmasters study and caned. Wiping a tear from his eye and with a trembling bottom lip and a very sore bottom Andy announced the band would now be called Boffin’s Bottom Burps as Headmaster Mr Pettigrew said that this was in keeping with the Old school tie style.
However when drummer Fergus Fontleroy quit the band (after his mother and father threatened him with withdrawal of funds) the new drummer Rat Poison real name Sean Shitface said they needed a punk name to seek success. Hiding it from the headmaster they became Ransid Rats rollocking ruckers But one month later Rat and Andy had a tiff and Boffin ditched Rat Poison and hired the brothers Arnold and Crispin St Bottom changing the name to Boffs Buttox and the Arse Brothers. Things looked good as they signed for EMI in November 1977 but they were soon dropped by EMI after their first single ‘I’ll fix your computer when you get one’ crashed out of the top 100 in the first week.
In a rebellious and now anarchic state of mind they cried anarchy in the greatest of punk ways just like the great artists of the time the ‘Sex Pistols’ ‘The Clash’ and ‘The Dooleys’ and called themselves ‘Fuck-off-and-don’t-buy-our-records-cos-we-couldn't-give-a-fuck’ but no-one did and it was back to the bedroom and the world of singing in the mirror.
For a month they were managed by pop guru Malcom Mac Clarran and they became the ‘Pissed Sexuals’ but to no avail and they kept getting mixed up with another band and gave up again.
On New years eve 1977 when punk was about to take a dive Andy changed the name again to incorporate new drummer Colin Cunntoxxxx and they became Colin Cuntoxxxxx and the vibrating fannys before dropping the foul mouthed link and they became simply The Fannys but after protests from girl band The Slits they became No slits just the fannys but they again ran into trouble, not only with the oriental suggestions and the race relations board but also when bass player Tarquin’s mum, Mary Whitehouse, complained about the four letter words and stopped him from being allowed in the band, or to ever play out with Andy again and as Andy was no longer allowed to knock for Colin they became a two piece.
This was when Georgie Boy and Strange Stevie joined the band and they decided to try the ‘new romantic thing’ becoming Sebastian Ballet but pretentious tossers ‘Spandau’ outdone them in every respect and they changed names and directions again this time in an attempt to corner the acid soaked space rock market. They became Sebastian’s Spazzynotic psychedelic Supersonic Shaggin Spaceship but all those mad bikers kept getting them mixed up Hawkwind and so they retired…
For a week anyway, before reforming as a rock combo and calling themselves
White’s Noise. But that’s exactly what they were and they lasted a week. In 1984 they finally took the right direction when Andy met up with ageing drummer Davey Stone, real name Dahfid Ginger Stonemeister and they agreed to go in the direction of the great concept album rockers ‘Yes’ and in a stroke of genius called themselves ‘No’.
The Stonemeister started to have a bigger say now and he sacked Georgie Boy and the very Strange Stevie and brought in his nephew as a guitarist and a bloke from N**castle as a lead singer, going by the name of Lee D’Singer he looked like Ian Gillan and the four piece combo were back in business and they decided to call themselves The Stonemeister’s Sabbath.
This caused a riot and after hearing this and meeting up in the foyer of a 1988 Angel Witch comeback concert Ozzy told Andy in no uncertain terms to
‘fuggin drop the fuggin nayme or oil fuggin kill yer’
After a fist fight with Sharon in which Boffin lost, the Sabbath thing was over and that was the end of that. Unperturbed the band roared back with their first single for eight years a double A side called ‘I love Gail Porter/Fuck me what’s she done to her hair’ as ‘The Stonemeister music making masters and the Big Boffers ball breaking bastards’ but the announcer forgot their name twice on their first night at the Royal Engineer in Mill Hill so they changed the name once more.
A new year and a new era in 1989 and the exciting rock combo added a new rhythm guitar player of exciting proportions Dave Cumming and brought in sax player Pete Play and his brother Roy on triangle finally they added another guitarist Preyash Pahndis and became ‘Andy Pahndis Cumming, two Plays’ but the audience started getting younger mixing the band up with a Watch with Mother Favourite and although the mothers liked it the children’s screams ruined the set.
In 1990 after an argument with the band Andy secretly booked a gig and called the band White hot Whitey and the other three wankers but this caused an explosion and the band split promising never to reform again.
Dhafid Stoney now 52 and Sebastian 43 made up and buried the hatchet and returned in the mid nineties and reformed as Storm Warning with just the two of them Stoney’s nephew and Lee D’Singer and cut two great demo tracks ‘We got the stuff to make it big baby’ and ‘How Long’ but the last track told the story…a week.
In the late nineties they went gothic and Dafhid left to pursue a career with a large chicken in pantomime (see back page) Andy meanwhile released his heavy version of the old Wayne County and the electric chairs single ‘if you don’t wanna fuck me fuck off’ but no one did so he did called Dave back again
In 2003 the band was back to a foursome Andy Dave the bass bloke and the singer and they settled on the name Farquhar after the Kenneth Williams Carry On Abroad character Stuart Farquhar. But no-one could spell it and they simply called themselves Far Cry bringing us up to date.
BOFFIN
Grumpy as fuck but he can play a bit
So that was it and now they are as big as Iron Maiden and better than…well The Wurzels… but who fuckin’ isnt and if you are at a loose end and have absolutely nothing to do you can see them at the dates below
July 8th 2006 St Vincent’s dinner hall tickets 90p
August 16th 2006 Andy’s room tickets 50p
TBA a field in Dorset
(A bit like Carry on Camping entrance one pound)
September 19th 2006 Mill Hill SDO canteen
New Years Eve 2006 Albert’s Hall
(That’s Peter Hall’s hall in Finchley ask Abbsy for directions)